Monday, December 21, 2015


Happy Christmas week to you!  We are in the home stretch, and I can almost hear the clicking of needles and the whooshing of crochet hooks and weaving looms around the globe, singing in frantic harmony with my own.

I saved up vacation days from work to be at home with the family, and I am *still* working on gifts. So here's the skinny -- gifting plans have changed (they always do), but I am actually making some good progress.

I'm not sure who in the family has bothered to look for my wee blog (lol!), so I shouldn't go into detail nor show any pictures until after the big day.  I have managed to finish something for DH, DS, and DD2, and am now near the end of DD1's boyfriend's gift.  DD1's gift is the largest and I'm about halfway through, and have put it into brief hibernation until I was able to finish up the others.  If I gave it to her to open with skein still attached, to give it back to me immediately to finish up, she would understand (she knows about it, anyway).  I had wanted to knit something else for DH that he actually mentioned he'd like to have, which was a first, but as it turns out to be quite time-consuming, I went with something quick and easier with chunky yarn instead. Maybe next week, if I can get the yarn I have on hand to make gauge.

And for the first time in her life, DD1 will not be with us on Christmas day, but in another state meeting bf's father for the first time. So technically, I have more time to finish her gift before giving it to her.

Oh, getting back to the wedding blanket I mentioned back in March, the squares are done and I still need to seam them together. Bit of a win! I truly did have good intentions, but life just got away with me. I hope to get it together and shipped to them before Valentine's Day (it's good to have a goal, no?).

So that's enough about that.

I started listening to an audio book this morning, albeit tardily as it expires via the library in about 14 hours, An Unquiet Mind.  I haven't shared here publicly, mostly due to the fear of stigma, and also because I don't know who may find this wee blog, but we have bipolar disorder in the family.  It is a roller coaster ride, to be sure.  I've requested to be put on the wait list for it again, and there is one reader before me, so not sure when I will have it to listen to again.  Since it hits home so closely, it's hard for me to listen to for any length of time, but it is helpful to know that we are not alone.  I mean, I *know* that millions of people are impacted by BP, whether in themselves or close family or friends, but often it does feel that we are all alone in this, that nobody would understand what we're going through, and not knowing where to turn for support.

DH and I attended a 6-week "Basics" class by our local NAMI chapter, and there were a few other folks there going through similar situations, but none with a clear BP diagnosis.  And there really are no answers.  Every situation is unique, each person dealing with it reacts in different ways.  I have bought about 20 books now and each recommends different techniques for dealing and coping and redirecting.  I continue to find myself in a haze of uncertainty and fear about the whole thing, hoping that we will make it through another day in one piece, praying it will be not as bad a day as the one before, and walking on eggshells if it was a good day, waiting for the hammer to drop and explode all around us.  It's exhausting -  emotionally, mentally, and even physically, and I worry when it negatively impacts my performance at work.  I think I'm getting less resilient, the older I get, and that's not good.

So I knit.  I knit so I won't kill people, lol.  And try to take it one moment at a time.  And I try to remember to breathe.  Breathing is important.

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